I wish I could make it rain.

If I could make it surge forth, I would.  For some reason, though, the tears just won't come.

I get so upset sometimes over what seems like nothing when I look back on it later.

I don't know if it later seems like nothing because it really was nothing or if it's because I forgive and forget too easily.

Right now I feel like it's the latter, but in a couple days I'll probably feel like it was never a big deal.

I feel like a big pile of crap.

I hate that feeling.

 - that feeling of being totally worthless.

I know I'm not worthless, but sometimes I just wonder why I feel like I don't matter.

Regardless of what I say or do, I feel like it just doesn't matter.

So why bother?

Is it really going to change anything?

Maybe it's the alcohol talking.

Or the emo music I have playing in the background.

Maybe it's just me.

I want to just get over things and move on with my life.

I wish I knew how.

How can one get over something that is so intricately intertwined with oneself?

It's almost impossible.

It seems that way from this vantage point, at least.

I know it won't be this way forever.  I just have to keep that in mind.

It's the only thought that gets me through.

But that's a depressing thought, as well.

That's when this era of my life is over.

 - when life goes on.

When will it go on?

...Going back to read what I just wrote, I completely contradict myself.

I suppose that's what life is, though, at times.

Life is contradiction.

Life is juxtaposition.

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way.  Sometimes I just feel so alone, though.

I still can't fucking cry.

Sometimes I'm just in a bad mood and there's no good reason for it.

Is there?

I think sometimes I'm jealous of people around me.

Some people have more friends than I do.

But is it quantity that matters?  I know logically that that is not what should matter to me, but for some reason it still bothers me.

I want to be surrounded by tons of people all the time.

I used to revel in solitude.

Now I dread loneliness.

Why did I change into this person who is so dependent upon others?

What happened to the person who could be perfectly satisfied spending hours upon hours completely alone?

What happened to the old me who was content not dating someone, who was happy with himself the way he was?

Why do I now feel the need to change myself to meet some form that is unattainable?

I don't want to be that stereotype.

Yet I do.

Does this make me a bad person?

Is it wrong to want to be just like everyone else?

Is that all this is?

A desire for conformity?

I'm not sure.

Am I just babbling about nothing?

Possibly.

But if so, why do I feel like this?

So the summer for me has come to an end.  I am now back in BG.  I'm in a new room this year, with a new roommate.  I'm living with Bobby.  We used to be best friends.  We had a falling out of sorts.  I hope everything will go back to normal.  That's all I really want.

Enough about that

So I'm pretty excited for this year.  I'm starting a new major: Business Administration, Accounting.  I was Music Ed before, but for those of you who don't know, I made the decision that I don't like children, so I shouldn't be a teacher.

I absolutely love math, though, so I really think this will be a good fit for me.

I'm excited, too, because I'll meet a ton of new people this year since I won't be completely surrounded by music majors.  This will probably be bittersweet, though, because I love me some music majors!!!

Classes start Monday.  I can't wait to get back into the swing of things!  Not that I'm looking forward to classes in particular... but they are requisite for the social aspect of college to take place

I have chosen to tell about my summer by copying and pasting notes that I wrote on Facebook.  Call me a cheater... whatev.

The Fray

9:46am Saturday, June 30
The Fray is absolutely amazing. I cannot express my sheer joy at that concert. It was a complete blast!
Our seats weren't really that great (I know, it sucked that we had seats and not down in the pit, but whatev), but we ended up moving to better seats anyway, so that was cool.
The absolute funniest part was when The Fray did a cover of Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie." It was so funny!

OK Go was pretty good, too. I'm not as familiar with their stuff, but they put on a good performance. They didn't do "You're So Damn Hot," though, so I was a little upset b/c that's my favorite song.

Mae was ok. I actually like a lot of their music, but they didn't put on that great of a show.

Overall, though, the night was a total blast! Be jealous if you weren't there!!!

Wicked

11:38pm Sunday, July 1

So this one time, I went and saw Wicked... front frickin' row!!!


Before every performance of Wicked at the Ohio Theatre in Columbus, they do a lottery of 20 tickets. I don't know why they have these tickets open. I didn't really care.
So Rachel and I drove into Columbus to see if we could get in to see the show. We thought we might have a decent chance because we didn't figure all that many people knew about it. We were a little discouraged when we got there, though, because there was kind of a crowd. So we filled out the form and waited a few minutes (since we got there right before they did the drawing).
As we were waiting, I started getting the feeling that we were actually going to get to see the show, whereas I had been kind of negative about our chances before. Instead of jinxing it, though, I continued to talk about it negatively... because that's how I roll.
So I was totally cool, just standing there waiting. Then they called my name.
I squealed.
I couldn't even speak. It must've been pretty funny.
So we paid for our tickets and then we went to Due Amici, a really nice Italian place on Gay, for dinner.

We knew that our tickets were pretty good just by looking at the section/row/seat numbers, but obviously we didn't know exactly where they were. When we walked in, the usher took our tickets and lead us down... and down... and down... all the way to the front row! As she seated us, she commented that we had "pretty good seats for $25," which is how much we paid. A few minutes later, she walked back over to us (at which point I thought she was going to yell at me for taking pictures on my cell) to tell us that she had just seated people the row behind us and two seats closer to the center who had paid $73.50 for their tickets. We smiled.

Then the show started. As the opening chord of the overture rang clear... I thought I was going to cream myself. Not to be vulgar... but I don't know how else to put it. It hadn't really been real until I heard the music with which I had grown so accustomed from the soundtrack playing live, only a few feet in front of me. I watched the Maestro, as we called him, conducting the pit orchestra. It was poetry in motion. His conducting was absolutely flawless and so full of expression. It was as if the music was flowing forth from his fingertips. My musical experience only continued to get better as the voices of the chorus joined the orchestra:

Good news! She's dead! The Witch of the West is dead!

The show was simply astounding... "well, not simply." I cried at several points throughout. Sometimes they weren't even sad times, just times that felt monumental. The actors and actresses were all fantastic. The only problem I had was the guy who played Fiyero. He had some serious pitch issues. He butchered "Dancing Through Life," but it wasn't... terrible, I guess. He did a great job dancing and stuff, just not so much on the singing.

So, in summary:
I saw Wicked from the front row for only $25.
The show was amazing.
You are jealous.

Cleveland is dumb

10:03am Friday, Aug 3

So I'm home now for summer.

I had a terrific year, overall.

I made wonderful friends.

I fought with them.

I know things will work out.

They have to.

Now I'm home for summer.

I had a terrific year, overall.

I got pretty good grades.

I got some not-so-good grades.

I know I can do better next year.

I have to.

Now I'm home for summer.

-------------------------------

I intend to have a wonderful summer.  I've missed my friends from home so much!  There are some I forgot I had missed until I got to spend time with them again.

I'm really looking forward to this summer.  It'll be great.

Why is that?  Why can't I just get along with people?  Is there something genetically wrong with me that I have to find the tiniest thing in anyone to fight about?

I really don't enjoy fighting.  I know I do it a lot, so one would think that I would enjoy it, but I don't.

There is one person in particular I cannot bear to fight with.  For some reason, we've been fighting to an increased degree in recent weeks.

------------------------

This is a blog that I started a couple weeks ago.  Unfortunately, the fighting with this person hasn't gotten any better...  worse, actually.

The worst part is that it's partially my fault.  I did a pretty terrible thing to him.  While I know that it's something that a friend should never do, I also think that a friend should be able to forgive.  Isn't that true?  Am I just trying to justify my actions by blaming him for not forgiving me?  I don't think I am because I definitely recognize the wrong I did.

I'm just very confused by the entire situation.

I thought we were better.  I thought things were pretty much back to normal.  Thursday night he told me that he couldn't look at me the same after what I had done.  This was after I had spent Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday at his house.  He's leaving for France this Saturday and won't be back until July 15.  I can't think of a worse time for him to stop talking to me.

I keep thinking he'll snap out of it and realize he's being stupid... but it's been 4 days now.

Time for another sporadic and quite random blog:

I'm sitting here at 4:12 in the morning.  I'm waiting for my laundry to dry down the hall.

I'm listening to the Wicked soundtrack.  I got it from Bobbert's iPod.  I think I'm in love - I want to see it now.

Kiss me goodbye

Defying Gravity

The first time I listened to the soundtrack I almost cried.

Most musical theatre material, at least that with which I am familiar, is shallow in terms of the actual music.

The music, the harmonies, in Wicked give me chills.

I hope you're happy

Sometimes I am absolutely fascinated by music.  It is something that can be studied in an organized fashion, as I am doing here at school, but the effects of music are completely beyond explanation.  How can such abstract things as pitch and rhythm evoke such emotions in its listeners?

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to study music... as if I'm not good enough... not a good enough musician... not a musician at all.

While I know this is not true... it is quite humbling to be surrounded by so many talented people.  It's even more humbling to be one of the youngest, and thus least-experienced, of these talented people.

I've been thinking a lot in the past couple days about ... what I want to do, I guess?  I really want to pursue math.  I miss it so much.  I helped CJ with his homework and review for his mid-term exams.  I've also been helping Bobbert a lot with his calculus homework, which is so much fun for me.  I could sit there and do calculus problems for hours, just for fun.

I don't know what to do.

Laundry's done, though... and it's now 4:53.

Why does it seem sometimes that everything is going wrong at once?

I should be having fun over Christmas break, but things keep piling up to upset me.

I'm kind of depressed about being home because this place doesn't feel like home anymore.  I have a new home... two homes, I guess... but this one is secondary to me now.  I know this is hard for anyone here to understand because you just haven't experienced it yet... but you will.  I'm not trying to say that I don't want to be, be with these people.  It's very difficult to explain, though.

It's just that I feel... disconnected.

Ok, so basically I love Bowling Green. The decision to go there was probably the best I've ever made.

It is just so much fun... words can't express it.

Studying music in that type environment stimulates a deeper love of it than I have ever known before.  It's so wonderful to have friends who can speak on the same musical level... !!!

I have a girlfriend.

Her name is Casie.  She's piano performance - pretty much hardcore.  She's absolutely amazing... her piano skills aren't bad, either.

She has a great sense of humor; she's smart; she's nice... but not too much so; she's beautiful.

It's been a long semester.  So much has happened.  It has gone by so quickly, though.

I have a group of friends, which is great - that's how I like it.  There are four of us.  It is me, Casie, Carly, and Bobby.  Casie and I are both music majors - she is piano performance, as I said, and I am vocal education.  Carly and Bobby are both international business majors, or marketing, or something like that.  Casie and Carly knew each other from junior high, I think.  Bobby and Carly met through their Canadian Studies class this semester.  Casie and I met when my door was open one night at, like, 2 a.m. and she stopped and said hi.

We're pretty much inseparable now.  It's great.  We've already discussed rooming for next year.  Bobby and I are rooming together and Carly and Casie are.  We're hoping to move into another building that has a little nicer rooms than those that we're in now.  I'm really excited about this.

One of my other best friends from Bowling Green is Megan.  She is a second year (with third year status) vocal music education major.  She is the President of A Cappella Choir, which is how I first met her this year.  We actually briefly met last year at Music Discovery Day, but we didn't remember this until after we got to talking.  She was really good friends in high school with the daughter of a woman my mom went to OSU with and we had hung out at Music Discovery Day.

Megan's really great.  She has a sense of humor similar to mine.  She's very sensitive to other people and people love confiding in her.  I found myself telling her things in the first weeks I knew her that some of my closer friends don't know.

Well, now I'm tired.

goodbye, all

I really do.

I miss it.

I just don't have the time.

It's like my life now has singular focus...

and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

All else is secondary

to those three

who consume my life.

I love them.

Ok, so I'm sitting in my Astronomy class right now.  lol

We're allowed to have laptops in here to take notes and I guess because they really don't care what we do.  So I'm blogging...

hehe

College is awesome.  I love it here.  It's so nice to feel... free.

Yeah, so I better go and actually take notes.

Ok, so I joined Facebook ages ago - when I was in high school (it seems like ages) - I'm not even sure why I joined because high schoolers just don't use Facebook.  So I thought it was some little-known website that was just starting up, but it turns out that it's actually more for college students, which was news to me when I got here and it seems like everyone has Facebook.

So - if you have Facebook, go to my profile and add me.

Also, while we're at it - if you have MySpace, go to my profile and add me.

Wow.

My last post is from May 19 - the day after the Night of Unending Art.  I meant to continue that entry, but I guess I never did.

I've done a lot and changed a lot since then.

I spent two months this summer in Europe.  My grandmother took me, sort of as a graduation present.  I saw and experienced so many things - it was incredible.

I think spending two months in almost complete isolation from everthing and everyone I knew and loved helped me a lot to prepare for leaving home.  Now I'm sitting here in my dorm room... also a long way from Baltimore, but not quite so far...

I'm 19 now.  For the first time, I actually felt like I was a year older on my birthday, which was a very strange feeling for me to have.  I actually feel like an adult now.  I don't have people hovering over me, telling me every step to take.  It's strange... and scary... but also very nice.

I missed my friends more than I can say.  I kept in pretty good contact with Rachel through e-mail, which was cool.  We're actually getting along now, which may seem miraculous if you know the history.

I talked to CJ all the time, too... oh, wait.  No I didn't.  I talked to him... hmm... exactly 0 times.  (I'm still a tad sore about this one.)  He's still the best friend I've ever had, though.  It might be good that I didn't get to talk to him, because I almost started to forget how much I missed him.  It would've been a lot more difficult.

I returned to the US on August 9 and I moved in here on the August 15, so I didn't have a great deal of time at home.  I only got to spend a little bit of time with my friends, which sucked.

I've been talking with them a lot since I've been here, though, which is good.

Classes officially started yesterday.  I love it here.

More later - hopefully it won't be another three months.

Last night was the Night of Endless Art.  My last school concert. ever

[sob]

Beforehand, as tradition mandates, we had the Senior Circle for choir.

All the members of the choir get in a circle and the seniors get to say their piece to everyone.

I had almost completely forgotten that it was going to take place until yesterday morning in Ensemble, when someone mentioned it.

I tried thinking about what I wanted to say on the way to piano lessons yesterday after school, but I ended up just crying for a half hour and reminiscing.

I went to the school early because I didn't want to sit at home and cry and I really wanted to think about what I wanted to say.  So I went in there and talked to Mr. DK about the Senior Circle.  He said that we could have it there in the music room and he would make sure people (outside of choir) stayed out.  It was really nice of him... he's so understanding of stuff like that.

[sob]

So people started getting there and I didn't really have time to think about what I wanted to say.  I made a half-attempt on a sheet of paper, but it wasn't as productive as I had hoped.

I was really freakin out because I wanted to say so much - not that I knew what I wanted to say, I just wanted my speech to be good.

We were planning to start the Senior Circle at 6:10 and I started crying around 6:00.  I was just completely overwhelmed.  I think a lot of the underclassmen were confused to see me walking around the music room crying and I know the band students were confused.

So we finally started the Circle around 6:12.  Emma went first.  She was two or three people to my left and we go clockwise, so that put me last.  I cried and chuckled through everyone else until we got to Jamie.

[sob]

I was crying quietly until she said something about how the best part of ensemble this year was "getting to dance with my best friend" and that "we're so dang cute together."

[i can't even see the computer screen]

We just sobbed

[like i'm doing right now]

and fell into each other.

Then she wrapped up and it was my turn.

I started with, "I've been in choir for four years..."

and I started crying so hard I couldn't speak.  I had to pause for what felt like an eternity.

Then I tried again.

and another pause.

[Freely paraphrased:]

I've been in choir for four years now... and it's changed a lot.  Our freshman year we had crazy Mrs. Holmes and the Pops Concert.

[pause for laughter and interjections from other seniors]

Then came Mrs. Muzzalupo who has changed so much.  Some for the bett...

Some things for the worse as we see it, but many things for the better, whether we like to admit it or not.  We don't always agree with her, but she's done a lot of good things and we have to respect her for that.

Even though we don't like everything that's going on with the choirs, you need to stick with it.  Even if you don't like Mrs. Muzzalupo, you should stick with it for music and for yourselves.

Put on a good concert tonight.  Don't sing badly to spite Mrs. Muzzalupo.  Sing your best for yourselves, for the sake of music, and for us, the seniors, who have worked hard for four years.

Do your best tonight.

Then there was hugging all around.  First was Jamie.  We hugged for a long time.  Then CJ.

Then assorted other people.

I couldn't stop crying.  I cried all through warm-ups.  I walked around the room crying, receiving puzzled stares from band members who hadn't had the privilege of involvement with the choir Senior Circle.  I would get calmed down, then someone would say something to set me off again or I would see something.

At one point, I was in between outbursts and CJ tried to do something funny to cheer me up... but it just made me start crying anew.

Because pretty soon I won't have CJ to make me laugh anymore.

[sob]

I finally calmed down right before we had to start the concert.  I was sitting on stage with my saxophone, a pile of tissues behind me, when I finally stopped.

I was fine throughout the concert - I was able to distract myself with the music.

The concert went much better than I had expected.  CJ did amazingly well on both his vocal and instrumental solos.  Both were the best I've heard him do.  Jamie did well on her saxophone solo.  Laura's vocal solo went well.  All the choirs did pretty well - better than I expected at least.  Band did well also.

I was pleased with my solo, all except one point where Karen messed up, which messed me up, but it's ok.  It was just a fluke.  Karen's an amazing pianist and she always does well.  I just wish she had messed up in practice and not on performance night, but it's ok.  I'm not upset about it.  I doubt most people even noticed.

Darn - I have to go, but I'll post more later.  After the concert was the best part of the night.

Then I have to talk about today...

Ok, so I have a thing about my AP US History class.  I just can't seem to get there on time consistently.  No matter what I do, I end up being late at least once a week.  (btw, for those of you who don't know: AP classes at LU start an hour before school, at 6:45, even earlier if you're in AP Chem)  However, I don't really view this as a problem because it's not like we actually do anything worthwhile in class anyway.  The "teacher," if you want to call him that, doesn't bother actually teaching us anything, so I don't see the point in going to class other than to take tests.

Ok, so I walk into school this morning at about 6:48, go to my locker, fill up my water bottle at the drinking fountain, and get to the classroom around 6:50 maybe... and what do I see as I approach the door?  There's a piece of paper taped to the door.  I pull it off and see that it's a tardy slip with a post-it telling me to take it to our assistant principal.  So I take it down and tell him that the "teacher" told me to take it to him since I was tardy.  He said, "ok."  I paused, half expecting a Wednesday School on the spot, which would have been the proper punishment, but when nothing was forthcoming, I left.  I decided that if the "teacher" was going to pull a stunt on me like that and if I'm going to be counted as tardy, I might as well take advantage of it, so I went down to the music room, had a custodian let me in, and practiced stuff for Ensemble.

When it came time for first period, I went upstairs, dropped my books off in my class and headed down to Anatomy, where a lot of other people from my AP class have first period.  I asked them exactly how mad the AP "teacher" was.  They said he was pretty mad, but I didn't have time to get any details because the tardy bell was about to ring - and I would sure hate to be tardy!

Then, during 3rd period studyhall I talked to Kelsey, Nate, and Ashley about it.  Evidently no one saw me come to the door and pull of the tardy slip, since I didn't try the door.  It's a good thing I didn't though, because they told me that the "teacher" had actually locked me out!  Then, during his rant about me, he evidently told them that other teachers had been talking about how they regretted writing letters of recommendation for me and wanted them back!  Now, I've turned into a total slacker, so I can almost see some teachers saying that, but even if it were true, what kind of teacher would ever say that to a class about a classmate that wasn't present?  I don't care how mad he was about me not being in his class - that is downright unprofessional!  Not that this is the most professional teacher I know anyway.  He's infamous for talking about students to other students.  He's also the freshmen history teacher and I remember very well that he used to actually curse in front of us.  As a freshman, we all thought that it was cool, but as a senior, I see the total lack of professionalism in this.

Anyway, back to the story - basically, I think he's mad because there's really nothing he can do about it.  He can turn me into the office for being tardy, but if they're not going to enforce it, he is powerless.  I suppose if I were tardy and missed a test, he wouldn't have to let me make it up, but I'm not stupid.  I know when the tests are and I'm not going to miss those.  Also, despite my complete slacking, I still have an 86.27 as of this morning.  Granted, this will be the second B of my high school career, the first being last grading period in this class.  However, no matter what he does, I'll still be Valedictorian and there's virtually nothing he can do to take that from me.  I hope he thinks about that and it makes him sick.

This nineteenth year of my life has been the best.  Just as things are coming to an end for me in regards to school, other things are just beginning.  One of my best friends now is someone that I just became friends with this year.  I've finally started to open up to people.  Now, I still wouldn't consider myself outgoing, but I'm working on it.  I've also started opening up to my friends.  That new best friend I alluded to has made me realize so much about my life, about the people around me - made me realize how much value there is in those friends.  Friendship is the one thing we get from school that actually has true meaning in life.  Even if we don't keep all of the friends we have from high school, we have gained the ability to make friends, and that is priceless.

I only wish I hadn't waited until I was 18 to start learning these things...

Good Lord, now I've gone and made myself cry...

Happy Birthday

You're finally 18!  You're legally an adult now!  That's so much fun!

I feel like a complete traitor!

I finally broke down and got a MySpace account...

I feel like I'm betraying MindSay and I feel like a major poser... but...

I dunno.

Well, if I'm going to have MySpace, I'd at least like to have some friends.  Go here and add me as a friend if you are a traitor/poser too.